What is Relationship Anxiety? 5 Ways to Navigate and Build Healthier Connections

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It is not uncommon for people to be worried about their relationships, but relationship anxiety is a persistent worry that can lead to insecurity and doubt about the relationship, even when things are going well. 

Relationships are central to who we are. What happens when one feels that this core aspect is at risk? It can lead to waves of relationship anxiety. No one likes feeling anxious, but worries can often find a way into relationships, especially romantic ones. The good news is that there are many ways to manage this anxiety disorder and build a healthier relationship. Studies also suggest that healthy relationships act as a protective factor for our physical and mental health. ¹

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Like any other form of anxiety, relationship anxiety also exists on a spectrum. On one end, there can be concerns about compatibility, and readiness to be in a relationship, and on the other end, extreme fear of abandonment and distrust. Whether it is a long-term relationship or one that a person has just entered, relationship anxiety is like a false alarm that can ring at any time.

While some worries are temporary, others may be more chronic, which may impact the quality of the relationship. It would make one feel on edge all the time and be consuming! As a consequence, one can end up replaying scenarios, questioning the partner, and even the relationship.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Julie Smith writes in her book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? that we can’t talk about a life of meaning without talking about relationships. If relationship anxiety is not regulated, one can engage in behaviors that push the partner further away. 

What Causes Relationship Anxiety?

There isn’t just one reason why you may feel anxious in your relationship. What makes you feel anxious in a relationship can be very different from that of your friend ² . Here are some common causes of relationship anxiety:

Previous relationships: 

Initial romantic relationships can form the foundation for future relationships. If the partner in the initial relationship has been critical, closed off emotionally, or even abusive, it may lead to relationship anxiety. These past experiences can create a fear of history repeating itself, a need for constant reassurance, trust issues, or vulnerability.

Anxious Attachment Style:

Individuals with an anxious attachment style often grow up with parents or caregivers who are unpredictable. For example, they may have been emotionally available at some times, but at others completely ignorant of what the child was going through. The child may grow up with beliefs of being unlovable, which later become a template for relationship anxiety in adult relationships.

Every time your partner gets cold, doesn’t respond or expresses anger, you may feel anxious and wonder if you made a mistake. 

Generalized Anxiety:

It is also important for one to figure out if worries about the relationship stem from generalized anxiety. A condition called Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by persistent worries about various experiences, including relationships. It can lead one to overthink the state of the relationship, conflicts, or even a fear of abandonment.

Partner’s actions:

It is also important to consider that anxiety is not always wrong, especially if it is not severely impacting your life. Sometimes there can be a partner’s actions that make one anxious, for example, canceling plans recurrently, flirting with others, gaslighting, or other behaviors that lead to doubt and insecurity. 

Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder:

Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder that focuses on doubts and uncertainties within romantic relationships. It can can feel like being stuck in a whirlwind of doubts and fears about your romantic relationship. Imagine constantly questioning whether your partner truly loves you or if you’re really compatible, even when everything seems fine. It’s like having a nagging voice in your head that won’t let you enjoy moments of intimacy without analyzing every little detail. For example, you might find yourself checking your partner’s messages obsessively or feeling anxious when they spend time with friends. These thoughts and behaviors can make it hard to trust your feelings and can strain the bond you share with your partner.

It is essential to recognize the difference between red flags in a relationship and what-ifs. While the former threatens your sense of safety, the latter may or may not. 

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Recognizing the Signs Of Relationship Anxiety

Imagine that your brain is a thought machine. With relationship anxiety, the thought machine may malfunction and keep churning the same negative thoughts again and again. This can lead to negative emotions about the relationship and cause further distress.

Some signs of relationship anxiety are:

• Persistent fear that the partner may either manipulating, cheating, or wanting to end the relationship.
• Overanalysis of words, subtle facial expressions, and behaviors.
• Obsessing and checking behaviors, including analysis of their social media activity.
• Seeking constant reassurance, with repetitive questions to guarantee safety, for example, “Are you sure we are okay?”
• Always on the lookout for something that can threaten the relationship.

Five Ways To Navigate Relationship Anxiety

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but one can always work towards a healthy one. What does a healthy relationship look like? It may be marked by feelings of trust and security, healthy boundaries, and an understanding of each other’s communication styles. Would this mean that there is no anxiety in a healthy relationship? Not really. It just means that the partners don’t let the anxiety determine their relationship’s health. 

Here are five ways to navigate relationship anxiety:

• Communication

Communication is not a magic wand but it can open a space for dialogue. As much as it feels like, anxious thoughts are not necessarily facts. One can try to share feelings and concerns openly and encourage their partner to do the same. This can be difficult if your partner has an avoidant attachment style. In that case, seeking the help of a professional can help build a bridge for honest and open communication.

• Therapy

A mental health professional can help you identify the potential causes of relationship anxiety. Once the cause is recognized, it is easier to create a treatment plan that reduces anxiety and increases emotional regulation.

• Self-Awareness

Self-awareness can be a key to healing your anxiety. Try to differentiate between being in an unhealthy relationship versus past wounds and attachment anxiety. Before expressing your concerns to your partner, try to identify triggers for your anxiety. What sets off the alarm button?

• Tune Into The Present

Might sound like a simple tip, but in the fast-paced world we live in, it can be very difficult to tune into your present. Anxiety takes you far away into the unknown future. Remember that even though seeking reassurance feels good at the moment, ultimately you need to work on your relationship anxiety.

Try mindfulness or meditation that helps you bring your attention to the present and feel more grounded.

• Hold your horses!

With anxiety, everything feels urgent, and a need to address it in the here and now arises. Unfortunately, when this need is not met, an individual can experience an emotional crisis. Instead of acting on emotional impulses, take a step back. The brain may not be the best decision-maker in moments of crisis!

Final Thoughts

Accepting that some amount of anxiety is typical in a relationship is one of the starting points for navigating a healthier relationship. However, if one finds themselves in an endless spiral of worries, fear, and negative thoughts, it might be time to identify the source and get relationship anxiety under control.

Anxiety is a manageable condition, don’t let it overpower your relationship!

1. Waldinger, R. (2015). What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness.
2. APA Style: Smith, J., & Johnson, R. (2016). Understanding and Managing Relationship Anxiety. Journal of Psychology, 28(4), 123-137. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5177451/