Full Disclosure: Clicking on these links could mean a tiny commission for me, at no extra cost to you.
Postpartum depression is something rarely seen as a serious mental illness. There’s this misconception that postpartum depression is a temporary illness, and one that people will eventually get over. However, postpartum depression is an incredibly debilitating illness and one that can be extremely dangerous to you, your family and your baby if not address properly. More importantly, you can overcome postpartum depression and help is waiting for you. You just have to be willing to reach out.
This is Ana Wallace’s story about struggling with depression and anxiety, attempting suicide, overcoming postpartum depression and ultimately, finding a life that she never wants to let go of.
***
My Depression, Anxiety and Postpartum Depression Saved My Life
Hi, I’m Ana Wallace and my story doesn’t begin with postpartum. Rather, it’s the end of my story and the beginning of a new chapter. I went from wanting to escape this world for more than two decades to ultimately finding a life that I never want to give it. This is my story.
Where It All Began
When I look back and think of when I first really knew that I had depression and anxiety, I would have to say I was about 15 years old. I was in 8th grade and really began questioning why I was here in this place? What was my purpose on this earth? I was self-harming at the time and was just in a super dark place – a place I’m sure many of you reading this can relate to.
I did reach out for help but then I tried to end it all. This resulted in me being Baker-Acted (forced into a mental health hospital) where I felt even more forced to get help that I didn’t necessarily want at the time. Things got worse when I began using drugs and alcohol to mask my pain when I was about 19 years old, and the battle I was having with myself continued on a downward spiral for the next 9 years. I was on a constant roller coaster of depression and anxiety…
Traveling Abroad and By Myself Saved Me
It wasn’t until I was around 24-years-old that I really started to feel in control of my depression and anxiety. I had been married to my incredible and supportive husband for about 4 years, and I went to
therapy regularly and found some awesome ways to cope with my mental illnesses. What’s even more shocking is that, I even began to take up incredible opportunities that I never thought I would be able to do, such as traveling abroad to teach English at a school in Spain.
After my time in Spain, I went and visited Paris and London where I truly had the time of my life. In total, I lived abroad for month and half all by myself and I never felt so alive and in control of my feelings. I felt free and happy and just in awe of everything around me. I never felt so alive until that trip.
I went from not being able to live to not being able to stop living. Life was great!
My First Signs of Postpartum Depression
After my trip abroad, I came back home and not long after, I was blessed with the news that I was pregnant with our first child. I have always wanted to have children; and being a great mother was something that I always expected would come naturally to me; taking care of children has always been one of my biggest passions.
Needless to say, I was so happy to be able to become a mother but it didn’t take long for my excitement to turn into nervousness. The first month I didn’t feel any different; the second month came along and I had horrible morning all-day sickness. It was so bad that I lost 16 pounds my first trimester… The opposite of what should be happening.
My pregnancy took a total on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I was in constant pain and had absolutely no energy or motivation for anything. These were were some of the first signs of Postpartum Depression and Anxiety but I didn’t really pay attention to them. I wrote them off as being a first-time pregnant woman going through a rough pregnancy.
The Anxiety of Being a New Mom Was Unbearable
Eventually, it was time for our sweet little boy to come into the world! Although, not the way I had hoped but he made it here safe and sound via a C-section after three days of labour due to my Gestational Diabetes.
Our birth story was quite traumatic, but we got through it.
After I gave birth to my son, he spent some time in the nursery due to having trouble breathing. I didn’t get to see him until the next day which is an unbearable feeling – one that simply can’t be explained.
I felt like this might have been one of my postpartum depression triggers, as I was not able to really bound with my son during the first 24-hours of his life. However, the weeks go on and life with a newborn begins.
But something didn’t feel right. I felt on edge when he was asleep, constantly worrying what if he stops breathing, what if this happens or what if that happens, what if, what if, what it? I began feeling like I was actually losing my mind.
My anxiety never felt so out of control. I was having panic attacks regularly which, as anyone who has ever had a panic attack, it quickly took away my enthusiasm about being a new mom. Instead of enjoying this major milestone in my life, I was in sheer panic because of it.
Then, Postpartum Depression Crept In
It didn’t take long for my panic attacks to trigger my depression. In fact, it began to eat away at me like it did when I was younger. So, I finally sat down with my husband with tears in my eyes, holding my son and saying “John, I can’t do this anymore…. Either I get help or I am going to die.”
My husband and I went back to my OB and he was able to officially diagnosed me with Severe Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. He prescribed me some medication ( I still take it every single day) that was okay and safe to take while breastfeeding, and he recommended that I seek additional health, such as
speaking to a therapist.
Reaching Out Saved My Son From Growing Up Without a Mom
Today, my son is 15 months old. Although I still have bad days, there are finally some good days, and each day, I am getting better. My son is my world and I could not imagine my life without him. All I want is to make him happy and the only way I can do that is make sure to t
ake time for myself and take time to do some self-care, go to therapy, take my medicine and just take it one day at a time. It has been a hard journey of motherhood this past year but I can shout to the sky that “I MADE IT, I SURVIVED MY FIRST YEAR OF MOTHERHOOD”! I cannot be more proud of myself. I know my journey is not over, but I know that I am now equipped with the right coping methods and tools to survive and thrive as a mom.
***
Follow Ana’s journey through motherhood on social media. Don’t forget to check out her amazing art online too!
Related
