I was not always a positive or happy person. In fact, I was possibly the antithesis of everything those words stand for. Bitter, jaded, sarcastic, brooding, apathetic. I was the kind of person who always had an excuse for why things didn’t go my way. I wasn’t lucky enough, I was always dealt the hard card. I was perpetually the victim.
Perpetually not in control.
Ok. You get the picture.
Hi. My name is Bec Mylonas and I used to be the type of girl who had a dark, witty and sarcastic come back to anyone who so much as dared to utter anything in my vicinity that had even the slightest twang of positivity, motivational or inspirational undertone to it. I used to roll my eyes at motivational posters and slogans and sit on my high horse of self-sufficient bitterness while I laughed at those idiots who spurted out wishy washy touchy feely positive psychology, covering my ears while I muttered to myself “will someone please spare us the bullshit?”.
Diagnosed with Manic Depression
It came as no surprise when I was 16 and I was diagnosed with manic depression. In fact, part of me was relieved when I received my diagnosis as suddenly I had an excuse for my behaviour, my outlook on life and my general attitude. “Oh, I’m just depressed. Good-O”
I could relinquish the responsibility and instead blame my genetics, my DNA and my mother.
Perpetually the victim.
Perpetually not in control.
I was taught through this diagnosis that there was something wrong with me – I was fundamentally broken and in need of fixing. I was assigned the label and made to fit into a neat little box. Needless to say, my diagnosis soon became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I no longer had to take ownership of my feelings, I could hide behind my diagnosis and use it as a scapegoat for why I was the way that I was. Instead of empowering me, my diagnosis called me to identify with and hide behind it.
My diagnosis stopped the deep trauma and soul healing that needed to happen because I was led to believe that to feel intense emotion was not constructive or helpful. That in order to function like a ‘normal’ person, I had to dull what I was feeling to a point where I could cope with day to day life.
After years of debate and hesitance, I was medicated and naturally it helped me for some time. I began to function normally and regain some control in my life. I truly thought that this was the answer and that my “problem” was solved.
Hell, I even started changing my life in positive ways and becoming a different person. I started my journey to healing and on my spiritual path with the help of medication, so I will never completely condemn it.
However, after some time I began to notice that the void that had been there all along was very much still present within me. The medication only did so much to numb the call for me to wake up.
I didn’t want to rely on a drug to keep me functioning on a day to day basis, nor did I agree with the concept of being reliant on medication for the rest of my life.
Healing Without Medications
The push to go off medication came from deep within – perhaps intuitively I knew I would never truly heal if I had this foreign substance numbing me to all that needed to come up and be healed.
So, off I went – I made the decision (after much debate with my family), weened off the drugs and began to heal myself naturally with my newfound spiritual beliefs, my go to list of inspirational speakers and books, my daily practices and my faith.
In order to heal, you need to feel. You need to observe. You need to be present to the pain. You need to allow yourself to actually experience the very thing that you’ve been shutting down from, numbing yourself to or denying the existence of.
For years I had been running from the deep trauma I had experienced in my childhood and infancy. I had created a hard wall around myself so that I would never be vulnerable or hurt the way that I had been again. I had become callused, shut off and operated from a tough masculine energy that protected me (or so I thought). I was seriously out of balance. The medication simply allowed me to continue to deny the heaviness, the sadness that still lingered in my being, begging to be addressed.
I knew I couldn’t go on like this and that no matter the toll it took emotionally, I was dedicated to going off the medication and finding the root cause of my illness.
The Struggle of Healing Without Medication
I wasn’t sure at any given time if I was on the verge of a breakdown or a breakthrough.
When I went through my awakening and began healing without medication as I weened off the drugs, I literally thought I was going insane. I wasn’t sure at any given time if I was on the verge of a breakdown or a breakthrough. The more I dug (through meditation, energy healing and my own intuitive practices), the more crap seemed to come up for me to experience. I would deal with one emotion or memory or trigger, think that I had turned a corner…only to be faced with three more. In the early stages – particularly as I was also coming off antidepressants, which in itself has its challenges – there were moments where I legitimately didn’t think I would make it through. Where I didn’t know if I was mentally strong enough to experience all of the pain and sadness that was coming up and out of me. I would cry hysterically, pound my fists on the bathroom floor and wail in what could only be described as a catatonic breakdown. I isolated myself from the majority of my friends and retreated from the world completely. The only person I wanted to have around was my partner who had become like a teacher for me as he’d done a lot of trauma healing in the past and knew how to appease me in those dark times. My healing without medication soon began to take a toll on our relationship.
I cried so many tears that I legitimately thought there was no way humanly possible there could be any more left un-cried.
However, with each breakdown or episode I experienced, something shifted in me. I began to feel lighter. The episodes became less and less frequent. It became easier to do the work on myself and the purpose for what I was going through was beginning to become apparent to me. I was becoming somebody else entirely.
Healing Without Medication Came Through Meditation
The turning point for me came in a meditation where I was shown that everything that I was going through wasn’t actually about me at all. It was about a greater purpose or consciousness. That I was going through this deep trauma healing so that I might facilitate and hold space for others to do the same. Suddenly, what I was going through made cosmic sense. It stopped being about me and my feelings and I recognised that I had a responsibility to see this through so I might help others. Viewing my healing and transformation outside of the lens of ‘self’ or ‘ego’ that I’d been viewing it through so long (for instance; why is this happening to me, why is this taking so long, why am I going through this, why can’t this just be over) is the thing that liberated me. I finally understood that although my healing journey was highly personal, it wasn’t about me or my mental health. It never was. I stopped putting timeframes and conditions to it. I stopped resenting it and just allowed it to unfold, trusting that there was a purpose for all that I was going through and that the purpose would be revealed to me some day.
While my healing without medication is not over – I believe we all are healing and evolving constantly – I have grown a new appreciation and relationship with it. I no longer strive to numb or hide my pain or my sadness. I no longer battle internally to regain control over what I am feeling. I no longer have harsh expectations of what it should look like. I just allow it to be what it is and manifest in whatever way it needs to. I am comforted by the fact that I am not the only person going through this, nor will I be the only person to ever have gone through this. I am filled with appreciation and gratitude that some day I will be able to reach someone who I as lost and sad as I was with this message and perhaps make their path to healing a little bit less messy. A little bit more tolerable.
Medication Doesn’t “Fix” Anything
Society wants us to believe that Western medication is the answer to depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. However, from my own experience of healing without medication, I have learned that medication did not ‘fix’ anything. It merely numbed me to the emotion caused by my deep trauma that was desperately begging to come up to the surface and be healed. It only delayed my healing and my true journey to self transformation. It only exacerbated my identification with my pain, my illness or the label of what was wrong with me.
Medication should be used as a tool to allow you to get to a place where you can do the work and healing on yourself, instead of a definitive solution for a problem that has much deeper implications. I do not resent my path, my trauma or my spiritual awakening because it has led me to where I am today. It has allowed to find my purpose in helping others to heal and grow through their own transformations.
However, I do call to open up the dialogue that there are many other ways to heal that don’t involve running from or numbing your problems.
That healing needs to be looked at from a holistic perspective and that ‘woo woo’ or ‘airy fairy’ concepts were actually the very reason that I’m still here today.
As a collective consciousness, we are all in this together and these topics need to be brought into the mainstream so that nobody feels isolated, scared or overwhelmed.
This is my vision for the world and for my life and I hope that it is a vision and hope for the world that inspires others, too.
If this article changes one person’s life, offers a new perspective or lease of hope in a dark time, then I know that everything I have gone through is worth it.
Bec Mylonas is a Feminine Energy and Relationship Coach who helps women reconnect with their feminine energy and to attract their soulmate. For more information about this inspiring woman, you can visit her official website BecMylonas.com. Don’t forget to check her out on Facebook and Instagram @BecMylonas.
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